Thursday, February 20, 2014

When Your Eyes First Met

When your eyes first met from across the room
It’s was like electricity and all you can do it look down and smile
The first few minutes when you pretended to be focusing on something else when all you can really think about is if he is looking at you
When you looked back at him and smile and you felt the butterflies begin to go crazy in your stomach
You see him talking to his friends about you, and you talk about him to yours
The minute you saw him fixing his hair to cross the room and you fixed your clothes, and made sure your hair was perfect
Then when you were in front of each other you knew it felt right from the first hi.
You felt an instant attraction you just can’t fight, but you knew this type and tried not to like him
But he seemed different he makes you laugh and cares about what you think
You had a great time with him and you give him your number
But you wonder if you made a good decision
After a few weeks and dates you heart was still guarded you just wouldn’t let him in
You broke it off telling him you just don’t want anything serious
The weeks following you felt miserable and you can’t think of anything but his eyes
You don’t feel that spark with anyone else
When you were taking a walk you felt blue and was just thinking about him
You let out your hair and looked a few feet away and there he is
You smiled with such joy in your heart to see him
He walks up to you and your eyes met at that moment you felt a surge of electricity between you again
He smiled and grabbed your hand and told you he couldn’t stop thinking about you, at that moment you felt the walls of your heart crumbling down
He kissed you and you realized he is the spark that you missed

You realize you’re falling for him and you will never have that spark with anyone else, and it all started when your eyes first met.

Daddy's Little Girl

I will forever be daddy’s little girl
When you held me in your arms I knew immediately I was your baby
When I grew up and I was learning to talk and you and mom both wanted me to say mama or dada and I said dada
When I was learning to walk and I fell down you were always there to pick me up and kiss my boo boo’s
When I turned into a teenager and faced problems from family and the world again you were there to pick me up and kiss my boo boo’s and console me
When you left I still knew you loved me and would always be there for me
When I felt alone and isolated from the world you were like a blanket and always covered me
When I never felt good you always some way made me feel better
You saved me from depression, cold and hunger
When I grow up and get married you will still be the most important man in my life
I may not be you baby anymore but I will forever be Daddy’s Little Girl


Are You Going to Let Him In

When he walks by my heart flutters
When we talk I can’t do anything but look into his eyes
I laugh at his stupid jokes and expressions
When I leave I think about the next time I’m going to see him
My heart tells me to make a move
But my mind and everything else inside me tells me not to
The thought comes into my mind,
“What if he doesn’t feel the same? Can you take that again?”
The possibility of rejection comes to mind and scares me worse than any horror movie can
My heart is like a little girl afraid under her blanket in a thunderstorm, too afraid to come out
How will I know I won’t be hurt again?
Is there such a thing as knowing that up front?
I can’t believe the attitude and sarcasm I prided myself in is not my personality but actually my wall to protect me.
Many people say you can’t go all your life with your heart closed off to love, its much easier said then done.
I’ve been hurt so bad I wouldn’t be able to handle being hurt again
It’s easy for people to say ”Are you going to let him in?”
When I think about that question the only thing I can say is “Am I ready to handle the possibility of getting hurt?”
The last couple years my wall has never been infiltrated by any guy so there was no need to worry.
It will not always stay that way, when I meet that guy that I just really want to be with am I going to let him in?





The Guy That Made Me This Way

People ask me what ever happened to me that made me so heartless and afraid of commitment.
People tell me they wonder what guy messed me up so bad, I changed for the worse
The thing that made me this way is simple…
The guy that messed me up so bad changed my life forever…
I fell in love, complete, undeniable, butterflies in your stomach, constantly smiling love
I fell in complete, undeniable, unrequited love.
I broke down every wall, every defense I had, and I changed myself for him
All just to get toyed with and mistreated
A couple months…
That’s how long it took me to fall for him,
Two years…
That’s how long I was hopelessly in love with a guy who didn’t care about me
Three years…
Is how long it took me to get over him
Millions.
That’s how many tears I shed over him, over my broken heart that would never be the same, over the pain and humiliation he made me go through
I mourned the terrible choice in guys I made
The walls I put up after him made the first ones look like flimsy paper
The steel walls I put up prevented anyone from getting close
They’ve been up so long it looks like a room in need of decoration
The walls have been up so long I forgot what it felt like to have your heart race over someone, smile just thinking about him, wanting to talk to him.
I forgot what it was like to feel
He took that away from me, he took away my love, compassion and understanding
He took always the trust I had in people, he took away my optimism.
He made me have to protect myself from him; he made me have to protect myself against guys like him
He made me protect myself from the world
I’ve always been one to excel at things I put my mind to, so when I said I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me, I meant it.
He made me into what I became.
He made me cold and uncaring
He made me shy and quiet
Sarcastic and bitchy
Scared and broken hearted
Untrusting
 He took away my security
He made me change for the worse and its gonna take someone who can see through my pain, someone who can tell that I don’t mean what the things I say
Someone who can just hold my hand and tell me they aren’t leaving
He made me what I am
He made me this way
He was the guy that swooped into your life and changed it for the worse.
Now where is the guy that will change it for the better?

Better yet if I meet him, will I be able to see, or will I just protect myself?

Who I Am

Who am I?
I am…
Adrienne-Marie Alverio Velasquez Guidicelli
A New York Rican
¾ Puerto Rican
¼ Italian
A writer whose humble soul speaks and is heard when the words are breathed to life on paper
A hopeless romantic
A vulnerable little girl when stripped of her tough facade
A painfully shy girl who cannot seem to let go of past traumas
 A teenage girl with walls guarding her fragile broken heart that still bleeds love for that first love every night
The daughter of a mentally ill mother
The daughter of an immigrant butcher
The half sister to a mentally ill brother
The stepsister to five others
An emotionally unreachable person, I crave but yet am terrified of any person breaking my barriers and seeing the real me
Therefore I push people away
A frustrated individual who cant let anyone in
A girl who seeks solace in writing
A girl who denies she needs attention but needs to be told she is loved
I am the girl everyone loves to tease about her accent
A frightened shy voice that longs to be heard
A girl who longs to be normal but deals with the fact that she is so unique
The girl who hides behind anything to avoid attention being placed on her
The comedian of the group
A high school student with aspirations of becoming a lawyer and a writer
A girl who is not comfortable in her own skin
A girl who struggles to fill the void in her heart
The girl who dreams of being able to sing for an audience without fear
A girl who struggles to find her way
A girl who longs for warmth and attention
A girl who doesn’t seek help with a problem
The girl who makes her own mistakes
I am many things
I am complex
I am who I am


What I'm Not

I’m not here for your amusement
I’m not some Barbie doll you can play with and just throw somewhere when you’re tired of me
I’m not here just for your pleasure
I’m not some chick who can just go through life not feeling
I’m not a chick who trusts easily, it’s something you’ll probably never get from me
I’m not gonna sugar-coat things for you, I’m going to tell you like it is
But I’m not going to tell you what I feel
I’m not what you call an outgoing girl
I’m not a girl that leaves you hanging in the wind; I’m there no matter what, sadly even if you don’t deserve it
I’m not fake so I expect you to be real with me
Most of the time I’m not gonna be nice, so either you learn to deal with it and show me your gonna be there or get lost now
I’m not normal and I’m proud of it, means I have more fun anyways
I’m not like other chicks; I have my own mind and attitude, which no one can take from me
I’m not weak; I’ve been through things others would find unimaginable but some how I always come back with a vengeance
I’m not forgiving, above all else I will NEVER forgive you for hurting me, its rare I give a second chance, why waste my time?
I’m not judgmental so why does the rest of the world think they know who I really am?
Better yet why do they think they have the right to judge me?
I’m not spiteful but I’m sick of being the bigger person, if you wanna mess with me think twice about it, I will find a way to make you regret you ever met me
I’m not anyone’s second choice, it’s either all of me or none of me
I’m not high and mighty but I do above all else have respect for myself
I’m not an actress or singer, but my outlet is writing, it is with writing that I release my soul
I’m not a player but it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to play the game
I’m not the loudest one or the most obvious, it just means I have things up my sleeve
I’m not the wisest, I’ve made my own mistakes and my past has created the person standing before you.

I am not a person who regrets, things in my past may have not worked out in the way I hoped but I never regret, its just a reminder of where I’ve been, where I’m never going again and who I’m not anymore.

Everything I Meant to Say

I missed my chance of telling you everything I needed to get off my chest because I cared so much about what you thought.
I meant to tell you...
I don’t need you
I don’t know what I ever saw in you
You made my life hell for so long
You were my first love and heartbreak
You made me cold
I guess in a way you saved me the time I could be with my Prince Charming
I meant to tell you
I loved you more than anything else
You were the reason I smiled so much
Seeing you got me through my most miserable days
You were the one that hurt me the most
Yet you were the one I wanted to hold on to above all else
With everything that happened with you I meant to tell you something I would never say out loud to you
I meant to say thank you
Because of you I felt the what its like to love with all your heart
I felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
You made me realize how important I am and the fact that I don’t deserve to go through all the pain
You made me realize how I don’t want a guy to treat me
Made me realize I’m too good for all those games
With all that time it took for me to get over you, I went from being terrified of opening my heart to being ready to again, knowing not all guys are like you
I don’t know if I’ll ever have my chance to tell you face to face everything I meant to say
At least with these words on the paper I don’t have to carry them in my soul anymore