“Look
God, I know I’m not going to make it out this battlefield. I know this is where
it ends for me. That was the price I paid when I decided to join the Marines
all those years ago. I just want to say thank you for keeping me safe from harm
all these years and I know this is your will. There’s only one thing I ask of
you at this time. I know we haven’t spoken and I regret that every day of my
life, but no matter where she is just please keep her safe. If I close my eyes
I can still smell that perfume she used to wear for me, the way she would smile
at me when I would look into her big brown eyes, the way she understood you and
trusted you when I could never hear you. I know she walked away from me…she
had every reason to, I never treated her the way she deserved, she truly is one
of your most beautiful angels. You know, people say when you are about to die
your life flashes before your eyes. Well, all that is coming to mind is her…
you know where she stands in my heart, I just wish I would have told her one
last time what she meant to me. I love her God, and I always have. I made her
one promise…‘No matter how far apart, no matter how long we have been apart, we
will always find our way back to each other.’ It looks like I’m not going to be
able to keep that last promise, but God please keep her safe for me. Janessa…remember…
always.”
***
Dear
God, thank you for another day on this earth, and thank you for the strength to
get the closure I so badly needed. You closed a chapter of my life that I
thought would be never-ending. I can’t begin to explain the disarray of
feelings that passed through me during that funeral. I can’t explain what it
felt like to sit in one of those back row chairs, to sit in silence, to know
that the man I loved for practically my entire life laid at rest in that box
with a folded flag on top, what seemed to be a world of strangers quietly
grieving and socializing. Isn’t it weird it takes a loved one’s death to bring
people closer together? I looked at all the grieving faces and although they
all had their part in his life, but no one could ever grieve over this man the
way I have and the way that I always will. Yet, no one in this graveyard knows
who I am or even what I meant to this man… No one knows our story but today God
with your strength it was time everyone knew.
Maybe it was just your
will that it all happened so fast.
***
GOD! It’s her! It’s
really her, look how beautiful she looks after all these years. I can hear her
sweet voice talking to you. Answer her God, answer! Let me just be able to talk
to her…What do you mean I can’t talk to her?! She’s talking to you right now!
Just answer her! OKAY FINE! I will listen to what she tells you…
***
I
sat in that back row, I mean I guess you know what was passing through my head
because well… you’re God you know everything, but I need to talk this out just
to make sense of it. Maybe in a way if I talk it out, somehow maybe deep in my
mind, I think Blair can hear me. I could have one more conversation with him.
Maybe just one more conversation could bring us back and I can finally let him
know everything that’s been on my mind all these years. Blair, if you’re up
there just listen to me. I
sat in that back row, looking at all these strangers around me. It was a world
I should have been a part of years ago. A world in which I did my crying in the
front row rather than this back row where no one knows who I was to this man.
In a blur of tears, our past ran through my head. Flashbacks of cuddling in
bed, telling him “I’m always going to love you baby.” It all took over the way
I wouldn’t let it all these years. It was time. Through the flashbacks of
afternoons in bed, movies, laughs, and deep talks the pastor’s voice finally
broke the hold the memories kept me under, “is there anyone else here that
would like to say a few words?” My heart started to race Blair, just like it
did whenever I saw your name pop up on my caller id or the way it did when I
saw you on the street. I quietly stood up, the squeaks of the chairs filled the
air when everyone looked back at me probably wondering who on God’s green Earth
I was. I stood in front of what
seemed to be the world, all whispering to each other. This was my moment, the way
I saw it was this was my moment to talk to Blair not all these strangers.
***
“Janessa!
Janessa! I can hear everything you are saying! Just look up sweetie, just feel
me one last time! You think I don’t know that she can’t hear me?! You are God!
You are all powerful, why can’t you just let me have this one last time. I just
need one last conversation with her God, I know she still loves me like I… What
do you mean I didn’t love her enough?! I loved her like…Fine! I’ll listen to
what she says.”
“My
name is Janessa. I know none of you may know who I am or even what I am doing
it but I felt in my heart I needed to be here. I felt in my heart, I needed to
be with him one last time… I know I wasn’t his lawfully wedded wife but through
all our struggles Blair still found a way to make me feel like I was the one
true love of his life. I met Blair
back when I was just seventeen. He was a year older and he was just so
handsome. I can still feel in the pit of my stomach the little butterflies
feeling I got whenever just the mention of his name came about. He was it for
me. It wasn’t one of those movie romances everyone hopes to have. Our love was
hard, it was rocky at times. We went months sometimes years without speaking,
but one thing I can say about those long time spans is that I woke up every
morning and went to sleep every time just thinking about him. I prayed to God
so many times, asking him to keep Blair safe. I asked God to make him
understand just how different I was from everyone else in his life. What we had
together…it was real….it was true…more than anything it was pure. The last time we spoke was
twenty-two days ago to the date. Ironic isn’t it? I always prayed to God for
one last conversation. I prayed that one day I would be able to tell Blair
everything I felt for him. I prayed I would be able to tell him he was my sun,
my stars, he was my moon. The last time we spoke I remember telling him that
one day he realizes exactly how different I was from everyone. I hoped he would
be able to lean on me in a way no one else could. I prayed he would come
looking for me. I wanted our last conversation to be cleansing for my soul but
God Blair…I never wanted to feel a cold casket against my hand for this
conversation. Maybe this was the best way for us.
You were always my one Blair, I was always going to come back to you in life.
No matter how much we went through together, the fights, the crying, and the
pain. What hurt most was the moments when you had to find yourself. I was all
for spiritual journeys but I wanted to be with you on those journeys. Every
time we reconnected I prayed that little honeymoon phase would last forever.
Those first conversations where you told me you missed me, where you would
outright say that you loved me. I just wanted the Blair I fell in love with. I
wanted you to mean it when you said ‘Always.’ I meant it every time I the word
came out my mouth. It’s too late for us to
have our life together. I waited twenty-two years for our love to rekindle. I
never fell out of love with you. I eventually had to move on and start my life.
I got married to a man that I probably did not deserve. He was too good to me
and no matter what we did or how long we were together it just wasn’t enough.
The first five years of our relationship was long distance and that hard wasn’t
the word for it. Maybe it was because I loved Blair so much more passionately
or maybe it was the fact that although I was claimed I still felt alone, either
way I always found my way back to him in those first five years. I always
thought that if I did the life I was supposed to do in my later years Blair and
I could do the life we deserved together. I never thought you would go before
me, especially considering that you were the healthy one in our relationship. I
know you had a lot of inner demons but I just wished you realized in time that
I was the light the silence those demons. My
husband died two years ago. I have three beautiful children from that man. They
are my world, yet here I am at your funeral. That is how much you still mean to
me. I love you Blair, I always have and I always will. No matter how far apart
we are I will always find my way back to you. Maybe heaven is just our time to
be together. Maybe this world couldn’t handle our crazy asses being together,
and maybe the next world will. Just remember Blair… ‘Always.’”
“Janessa I can’t believe I wasted
all that time on Earth without you. We should have been together I should have
made more of an effort to come back to you instead of running away and trying
to forget you. I never could forget you. Look, even up here when I know you
can’t hear me I am still trying to talk to you. I want you to hold on to that
love just a little longer. I promise you we will be together up here. I had no
idea how much you suffered for me until I came up here and felt it for myself. Now,
I understand what you meant God…and you were right. Just keep taking care of
her for me until she comes back up here because the world cannot truly
understand that kind of beauty. Janessa one last thing, no matter how far
apart, no matter how long we have been apart, we will always find our way back
to each other…Always.’”
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