Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Last Conversation

“Look God, I know I’m not going to make it out this battlefield. I know this is where it ends for me. That was the price I paid when I decided to join the Marines all those years ago. I just want to say thank you for keeping me safe from harm all these years and I know this is your will. There’s only one thing I ask of you at this time. I know we haven’t spoken and I regret that every day of my life, but no matter where she is just please keep her safe. If I close my eyes I can still smell that perfume she used to wear for me, the way she would smile at me when I would look into her big brown eyes, the way she understood you and trusted you when I could never hear you.   I know she walked away from me…she had every reason to, I never treated her the way she deserved, she truly is one of your most beautiful angels. You know, people say when you are about to die your life flashes before your eyes. Well, all that is coming to mind is her… you know where she stands in my heart, I just wish I would have told her one last time what she meant to me. I love her God, and I always have. I made her one promise…‘No matter how far apart, no matter how long we have been apart, we will always find our way back to each other.’ It looks like I’m not going to be able to keep that last promise, but God please keep her safe for me. Janessa…remember… always.”
                                                                  ***
Dear God, thank you for another day on this earth, and thank you for the strength to get the closure I so badly needed. You closed a chapter of my life that I thought would be never-ending. I can’t begin to explain the disarray of feelings that passed through me during that funeral. I can’t explain what it felt like to sit in one of those back row chairs, to sit in silence, to know that the man I loved for practically my entire life laid at rest in that box with a folded flag on top, what seemed to be a world of strangers quietly grieving and socializing. Isn’t it weird it takes a loved one’s death to bring people closer together? I looked at all the grieving faces and although they all had their part in his life, but no one could ever grieve over this man the way I have and the way that I always will. Yet, no one in this graveyard knows who I am or even what I meant to this man… No one knows our story but today God with your strength it was time everyone knew.
Maybe it was just your will that it all happened so fast.       
                                                               ***
GOD! It’s her! It’s really her, look how beautiful she looks after all these years. I can hear her sweet voice talking to you. Answer her God, answer! Let me just be able to talk to her…What do you mean I can’t talk to her?! She’s talking to you right now! Just answer her! OKAY FINE! I will listen to what she tells you…
                                                            ***
I sat in that back row, I mean I guess you know what was passing through my head because well… you’re God you know everything, but I need to talk this out just to make sense of it. Maybe in a way if I talk it out, somehow maybe deep in my mind, I think Blair can hear me. I could have one more conversation with him. Maybe just one more conversation could bring us back and I can finally let him know everything that’s been on my mind all these years. Blair, if you’re up there just listen to me. I sat in that back row, looking at all these strangers around me. It was a world I should have been a part of years ago. A world in which I did my crying in the front row rather than this back row where no one knows who I was to this man. In a blur of tears, our past ran through my head. Flashbacks of cuddling in bed, telling him “I’m always going to love you baby.” It all took over the way I wouldn’t let it all these years. It was time. Through the flashbacks of afternoons in bed, movies, laughs, and deep talks the pastor’s voice finally broke the hold the memories kept me under, “is there anyone else here that would like to say a few words?” My heart started to race Blair, just like it did whenever I saw your name pop up on my caller id or the way it did when I saw you on the street. I quietly stood up, the squeaks of the chairs filled the air when everyone looked back at me probably wondering who on God’s green Earth I was.      I stood in front of what seemed to be the world, all whispering to each other. This was my moment, the way I saw it was this was my moment to talk to Blair not all these strangers.                                                                                            
                                                       ***

“Janessa! Janessa! I can hear everything you are saying! Just look up sweetie, just feel me one last time! You think I don’t know that she can’t hear me?! You are God! You are all powerful, why can’t you just let me have this one last time. I just need one last conversation with her God, I know she still loves me like I… What do you mean I didn’t love her enough?! I loved her like…Fine! I’ll listen to what she says.” 
  “My name is Janessa. I know none of you may know who I am or even what I am doing it but I felt in my heart I needed to be here. I felt in my heart, I needed to be with him one last time… I know I wasn’t his lawfully wedded wife but through all our struggles Blair still found a way to make me feel like I was the one true love of his life. I met Blair back when I was just seventeen. He was a year older and he was just so handsome. I can still feel in the pit of my stomach the little butterflies feeling I got whenever just the mention of his name came about. He was it for me. It wasn’t one of those movie romances everyone hopes to have. Our love was hard, it was rocky at times. We went months sometimes years without speaking, but one thing I can say about those long time spans is that I woke up every morning and went to sleep every time just thinking about him. I prayed to God so many times, asking him to keep Blair safe. I asked God to make him understand just how different I was from everyone else in his life. What we had together…it was real….it was true…more than anything it was pure.                                                                                                           The last time we spoke was twenty-two days ago to the date. Ironic isn’t it? I always prayed to God for one last conversation. I prayed that one day I would be able to tell Blair everything I felt for him. I prayed I would be able to tell him he was my sun, my stars, he was my moon. The last time we spoke I remember telling him that one day he realizes exactly how different I was from everyone. I hoped he would be able to lean on me in a way no one else could. I prayed he would come looking for me. I wanted our last conversation to be cleansing for my soul but God Blair…I never wanted to feel a cold casket against my hand for this conversation.  Maybe this was the best way for us. You were always my one Blair, I was always going to come back to you in life. No matter how much we went through together, the fights, the crying, and the pain. What hurt most was the moments when you had to find yourself. I was all for spiritual journeys but I wanted to be with you on those journeys. Every time we reconnected I prayed that little honeymoon phase would last forever. Those first conversations where you told me you missed me, where you would outright say that you loved me. I just wanted the Blair I fell in love with. I wanted you to mean it when you said ‘Always.’ I meant it every time I the word came out my mouth.  It’s too late for us to have our life together. I waited twenty-two years for our love to rekindle. I never fell out of love with you. I eventually had to move on and start my life. I got married to a man that I probably did not deserve. He was too good to me and no matter what we did or how long we were together it just wasn’t enough. The first five years of our relationship was long distance and that hard wasn’t the word for it. Maybe it was because I loved Blair so much more passionately or maybe it was the fact that although I was claimed I still felt alone, either way I always found my way back to him in those first five years. I always thought that if I did the life I was supposed to do in my later years Blair and I could do the life we deserved together. I never thought you would go before me, especially considering that you were the healthy one in our relationship. I know you had a lot of inner demons but I just wished you realized in time that I was the light the silence those demons. My husband died two years ago. I have three beautiful children from that man. They are my world, yet here I am at your funeral. That is how much you still mean to me. I love you Blair, I always have and I always will. No matter how far apart we are I will always find my way back to you. Maybe heaven is just our time to be together. Maybe this world couldn’t handle our crazy asses being together, and maybe the next world will. Just remember Blair… ‘Always.’”                                                                                                                                                                 
  “Janessa I can’t believe I wasted all that time on Earth without you. We should have been together I should have made more of an effort to come back to you instead of running away and trying to forget you. I never could forget you. Look, even up here when I know you can’t hear me I am still trying to talk to you. I want you to hold on to that love just a little longer. I promise you we will be together up here. I had no idea how much you suffered for me until I came up here and felt it for myself. Now, I understand what you meant God…and you were right. Just keep taking care of her for me until she comes back up here because the world cannot truly understand that kind of beauty. Janessa one last thing, no matter how far apart, no matter how long we have been apart, we will always find our way back to each other…Always.’”                   

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