Ab and Jay

Ab and Jay

My angels up in heaven…

I wait for the day you are finally in my tummy

I wait for the first time I feel your kick or hear your heartbeat

I still feel the pain of losing you

Or maybe it was never fully having you

I still remember looking in the mirror with my hand on my stomach whispering to you

Nothing made me happier than to know I finally had the chance to be your mommy

To finally hold you both in my arms, look into your innocent eyes and know you were my biggest accomplishment on this Earth

No award, no publication of my work could ever mean more to me than you two

Even though I was only 17 I was more ready for you than I could ever be

That positive pregnancy test on the bathroom sink told me my future; my two amazingly perfect pieces of my future.

A part of me died when that doctor looked me in the eyes and told me you were never really there

A false positive was all it was

An illusion that should have been real

You two weren’t really in there yet how was it I already loved you so much, I felt you or at least I thought I did

I’ve never cried over anything the way I did you two

I guess you can say I mourned you

I made a promise to you two to never be scared of having you two again

Planned or not you were still my blessing

What I didn’t know at the time was what you guys did

You didn’t come because you knew that wasn’t your dad

I wasn’t meant to have you in my arms yet

I still had to fight boogieman and wars to make a haven safe enough for you two

I see you as clear as day

Ab…

You with mommy’s black hair and smile

And Jay…

With mommy’s eyes and heart

I still wait for you everyday

I still cry over the fact that you should have been here already

I don’t fear over when you get here or how hard it will be because just seeing your smiles will be worth it

To know you came from me

I will continue to wait everyday for my beautiful Jay and Ab

Remember always as you look down on me waiting to descend

That mommy loves and she has always loved you