The Guy That Made Me This Way

People ask me what ever happened to me that made me so heartless and afraid of commitment.

People tell me they wonder what guy messed me up so bad, I changed for the worse

The thing that made me this way is simple…

The guy that messed me up so bad changed my life forever…

I fell in love, complete, undeniable, butterflies in your stomach, constantly smiling love

I fell in complete, undeniable, unrequited love.

I broke down every wall, every defense I had, and I changed myself for him

All just to get toyed with and mistreated

A couple months…

That’s how long it took me to fall for him,

Two years…

That’s how long I was hopelessly in love with a guy who didn’t care about me

Three years…

Is how long it took me to get over him

Millions.

That’s how many tears I shed over him, over my broken heart that would never be the same, over the pain and humiliation he made me go through

I mourned the terrible choice in guys I made

The walls I put up after him made the first ones look like flimsy paper

The steel walls I put up prevented anyone from getting close

They’ve been up so long it looks like a room in need of decoration

The walls have been up so long I forgot what it felt like to have your heart race over someone, smile just thinking about him, wanting to talk to him.

I forgot what it was like to feel

He took that away from me, he took away my love, compassion and understanding

He took always the trust I had in people, he took away my optimism.

He made me have to protect myself from him; he made me have to protect myself against guys like him

He made me protect myself from the world

I’ve always been one to excel at things I put my mind to, so when I said I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me, I meant it.

He made me into what I became.

He made me cold and uncaring

He made me shy and quiet

Sarcastic and bitchy

Scared and broken hearted

Untrusting

 He took away my security

He made me change for the worse and its gonna take someone who can see through my pain, someone who can tell that I don’t mean what the things I say

Someone who can just hold my hand and tell me they aren’t leaving

He made me what I am

He made me this way

He was the guy that swooped into your life and changed it for the worse.

Now where is the guy that will change it for the better?

Better yet if I meet him, will I be able to see, or will I just protect myself?